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| Stoicism, pragmatism, emotional preparation, predefined expectations, “proper” grooming and acculturation, emotional repression, biting sarcasm, cynicism, and the efficient manipulation of human perception??? Wow, who was kidding and what on earth was I thinking?! Oh, that’s right—I wasn’t thinking.
HA! I’d once said that I wasn’t as helpless, naïve, weak, innocent, unscathed, young, purely emotional, and raw as I led most to believe; that all that those saw of me was a mere façade; that I’d always been adept at playing the ideal cards in the manipulation of human perception. I’d reassured myself by telling myself that everything would unfold in due time; that time would answer my deepest fears, questions, gripes, and longings. Its sadistically funny that that perception of self would only haunt me for the next few years to come and ultimately, slap me across the face, and lead to the demise of my spirit.
Honestly, I’d always emotionally grasped the notion of raw, selfless “love.” However, I let logic convince me that it was but a mere psycho-emotional manifestation of the biochemical mechanisms of humanity that could easily be quelled by stoicism when I really should have embraced such an evidence of my fragile humanity. After all, there is no deep purpose in life. Each person is ultimately complex and valuable, just as all animals are equally different. Like all other life forms, people come and go; they are born and they live, leaving a mark on the world and in the hearts of others. Then, they die and become mere memories; mere specs in this paradoxical universe. Life is short and without much purpose aside from procreation and momentary satisfaction. I basically shouldn’t have fought against myself for the cause of pragmatism. The behemothic ramifications of such an error have left me bleeding myself dry, as I’ve come to see that power, prestige, and wealth are all inherently worthless.
I’d give my life to have “those” moments back…
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Je pense que la solution est le stoicisme, mais malheureusement, je suis juste une fille typique qui languit pour la perfection... Donc, j'espere secretement que tu m'attrape quand je tombe...
Pour la premiere fois dans ma vie, je ne me sens pas comme un objet sexuel.
Seulement le vrai homme sait la valeur de la femme.
[Lundi, 02 Octobre 2006] Merde! Je ne peux pas croire que j'admette ceci, mais il complete mon jour... Comment est-ce qu'il me cause d'etre si faible?! Je deteste que ceci est au dela de mon controle...
[Mercredi, 04 Octobre 2006] Je suis contente surtout et le garcon qui je pense que j'aime un peu me dit que je suis son ange. Malheureusement, les autres garcons me poursuivent sur le cote; C'est une situation deroutante, mais je suis satisfait.
[Lundi, 09 Octobre 2006] J'ai peur de tomber... Je veux savoir toutes les choses qu'il cache s'il cache quelques choses...
[Mardi, 10 Octobre 2006] Comme j'ai dit, le stoicisme est la solution... Quels autres choix est-ce que je peux faire?
[Jeudi 12 Octobre 2006] Je peux sentir que cette situation est different... Finalement, je n'ai pas des inquietudes, mais j'espere que je suis correct.
~*~Aurora~*~
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